For those of you who unfamiliar with the popular Christian televangelist’s latest drama, he recently stated that the earthquake in Haiti was the result of a “pact to the devil,” made sometime in the not-so-distant past.


The famed mythological figure, Satan, himself, commented via the Minneapolis Star-Tribune on Thursday:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press, so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action. But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher.

The way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and impoverished. Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with people, they first get something here on earth—glamor, beauty, talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake.

Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”? If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox—that kind of thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against it—I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work, Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings—just, come on, you’re making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad.

Keep blaming God. That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

Nice work, Satan. Proving, yet again, that even a non-existent, fictitious being is smarter than the average religious icon.

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